The Effects of Divorce on the Adolescent Child Throughout Their Adulthood
By: Hannah Grassi
So, You Have a Teen and You’re Going Through a Divorce
It is fair to assume that divorce affects the children involved. There are many studies proving that divorce affects their academics, behavior, emotions, risk-taking, etc. When you and your partner separate, you will most likely see a variety of these traumatic accounts taking effect on your child.
I’m sure there are many questions running through your mind, such as; What can I do? How is this going to affect him/her in school? How will I get through this and be a good parent? Should we just stick it out until he/she is old enough to know? These are all good questions and if you’re asking yourself them, you’re a good parent. Trust me, because taking your child’s best interest into concern is crucial at this extremely stressful point in their lives.
In this blog we’ll discuss some answers to these questions you may be asking yourself. Primarily the effects divorce will take on your adolescent child into their young adulthood. Therefore, we can see exactly what may happen if you wait till they are old enough to know. We’ll also discuss some tips and strategies you and your partner can use during this time to limit the intensity of these effects.
Effects on Adolescence
Psychologically speaking, a lot is going on in your adolescent years, a sentiment that most of us can relate to. Not just hormones are running ramped, but your brain was especially “vulnerable as a consequence of potential disjunctions (Trends in Cognitive Sciences)”, busting your window of thought wide open. While an adolescent, you are seeking your identity. To do so, it is important that you have a stable home life to rely on while exploring yourself. Now imagine taking part in a life-altering event such as divorce, which you have zero control over, at this hectic point in your development. Talk about stress, right?
If you’re getting a divorce and your child is an adolescent, prepare for an aggressive response from your teen. This response is fueled by their acceleration into independence caused by the divorce effects on the life-experience-seeking adolescent. Divorce creates feelings of abandonment and selfishness towards their parent. This will cause a vengeful response, causing the teen to engage in rebellious activities usually with the intent to hurt the parents emotionally, as the parents have hurt them.
Effects on Young Adulthood
The Young Adulthood stage of development has its difficulties as well. The brain is nearly done developing the frontal lobe. A study looking at the young adult brain in comparison to the adolescent brain revealed that “by adulthood their brains are better able to dampen reward reactivity, including peer-related rewards, and demonstrate greater engagement of executive reward processing. (Institute of Medicine).” People at this age also react differently towards divorce depending on gender.
When young women come from divorced families, they will most likely contain a desire for love and attention, yet a fear of abandonment. This often makes them prone to anxiety, especially when it comes to marriage in their own lives, sometimes overwhelming them.
When it comes to young men from divorced families, they vary quite differently from their female counterparts. Due to a loss of a male role model of intimacy in his life, and the lack of one outside his family (especially in comparison to women), he will most likely be inclined to label himself more of a “rescuer” of women and simultaneously be characterized as hostile. This contrasts dramatically from young adults arising from intact homes who are more open and affectionate in their romantic lives.
Effects on Your Parent-Child Relationship
Divorce has a negative impact on your relationship with your child. I’m not going to sugarcoat it; it is what it is. It is proven that divorce will cause a divide between parents and children. Although this divide is seen more deeply on the relationship between the child and the parent of the opposite-sex.
Divorced mothers have a divide with their child usually at first but eventually subside slightly throughout the years following the divorce. This is mostly true for the father-child relationship as well. Boys living with their mothers often respond with more hostility than girls immediately following the divorce and possibly for years following.
Divorced fathers however will usually have a more distant relationship with their children. The good news though is that older children typically experience less conflict with their nonresident fathers than do younger children. Girls living with their fathers or stepfathers post-divorce usually stray from their relationship with them by the time they are in college.
“The best security blanket a child can have is parents who respect each other”
– Jane Blaustone
What to do With Your Partner
Relationships ending are definitely tough. There is no doubt about that. Most people after the end of a relationship want to get the furthest away from their ex as possible. Especially when a relationship ends on bad terms. However, when children are involved, co-parenting is necessary in order to help maintain their mental health.
Based on an article published by HelpGuide, the following tips can be useful in co-parenting your child:
- Set Hurt and Anger Aside
- Get your feelings out somewhere else.
- Stay kid-focused
- Don’t put your children in the middle
- Improve Communication with your Co-parent
- Set a business-like tone.
- Make requests.
- Listen.
- Show restraint.
- Commit to meeting/talking consistently.
- Keep conversations kid focused.
- Quickly relieve stress in the moment.
- Co-parent as a Team
- Aim for consistency
- Make important decisions together
- Resolve disagreements
- Make Transitions and Visitations Easier
- When child leaves:
- Help children anticipate change
- Pack in advance
- Always drop off—never pick up child
- Keep things low-key
- Give your child space
- Establish a special routine
You’ve Got This!
So as you’ve hopefully gathered from this blog, divorce negatively effects the child, no matter their age. Unfortunately, this is inevitable. However, you as a parent can help keep the effects of the divorce from affecting them into adulthood. Based on a book written by Psychologist Paul Amato in 2002, “Research showed even after a crisis phase has passed, divorce can leave a residue of negative effects on as many as 25% of children into adulthood. (Amato, 2006; Hetherington and Kelly, 2002).” Your child doesn’t need to be part of the 25% and hopefully, with the help of this blog and the hard work you will do, they won’t be.
We Care! 